This record was my "Come to Jesus moment" regarding addictions and what I decided to let infiltrate my mind and body. My mom used to always tell me to guard my mind, guard my body, and guard my tongue. Trauma in any capacity makes you latch on to the nearest thing that feels good and to not let it go. We learn along the way that not all things that feel good to us are good for us. My drug of choice is lust. It's so common that we've normalized it as a simply a characteristic of being a man.

I grew up in a world where my friends and I bragged about the number of women we've had sex with. My first experience with lusting came to me on an old TV screen when my cousin bought me a bootleg DVD in Newark, NJ. Pornography, something that is massively consumed and accepted, yet also frowned upon. An interesting balance to me, but nonetheless, as my first view of sex, I frequented these flicks growing up. As I grew in age, my curiosity followed suit.

I always had a spiritual background. I grew up in a Christian Church. Faith was a big part of my upbringing, but living in a world with so many other trials and tribulations, I felt the addiction to lusting was the least of my worries. I'll never forget the day my brother was killed in the streets by the Paterson Police. I wasn't gangster enough to go retaliate, and I never liked the feeling of being high, so I wasn't going to do that. But I specifically remember looking back now on that need to scratch that itch. The itch for lust became stronger.

My friends in high school bragged about this one specific girl they all had sex with. She, at the time, was roughly sixteen or seventeen. My brother and I were eleven or twelve. We were both virgins but neither of us strangers to sex. One day after school, two friends invited us to their place and insinuated that we should join them in having sex with this older girl. Of course, my nerves kicked in, but this was my moment. The moment when all the videos I had been watching for years finally came true. My confidence was decent. I figured all the flicks I've watched surely have showed me how a woman wants to feel. My assumption was solely based on what I now know to be unreal reactions of the women in the videos.

We lined up in a dirty basement as the girl laid across a mattress. Each of us took turns, and as the youngest, I went last. Approaching her, I felt like I was walking out on a diving board with a twenty-foot-deep pool underneath me, knowing I couldn't swim. Not to mention, I knew that the faith I grew up in and all the things I've learned condemned this moment. I searched for a cavity in which I could enter. I was confused and couldn't see anything. My mind and heart were rushing. My instincts as a Christian and a person who was taught compassion made me ask her if she was okay, something that during sex, you would think was comforting and endearing. Her response shook me. I vaguely remember her snapping and telling me to get on with it. Everyone but my brother was laughing uncontrollably. Now I felt like my manhood was starting to be questioned. So, I found the nearest space and just started thrusting. My friends were in the background, hyping me up. Now when I think of it, maybe they were gassing my head up or antagonizing me. In that moment, I felt as if I was doing what was expected of a young dude like me. Let me take things a bit further. I began to talk shit. I looked back at my friends and said, "Nigga, I don't even feel shit." She snapped her hips away and told my friends, "This nigga is definitely a virgin." Turns out I had never even put it in. I was somewhere between her ass cheeks the whole time. A true embarrassment, and the story goes on. It's detailed in Adam and Eve on this album, where I talk about God's intent for us when it comes to sex versus how we use it now. Anyway, that was my first experience with sex. I was just eleven years old and now had nothing else on my mind but proving to myself that I'm more of a man than what I displayed that night. The years went on. I grew and had plenty of other sexual experiences, and plenty of other wild stories developed.

Let's skip to my adult life. The one thing that is crystal clear to me is that I know what lust feels like. I am still questioning what love feels like. It was June 2019 when I met this woman whom I took a liking to immediately. We started dating a week after meeting and spent four years together. She was supportive of my career and loved me through everything. I hid my lust addictions from her for so long. She had no idea of the demons I dealt with. I guess I should mention that my appetite for porn had grown immensely by now. I found myself watching it multiple times a day, even sometimes after sex with my girlfriend. I knew it must have been an issue.

Smiddy, my older brother, was killed in 2010, and that is where I found this escape. My grip had only grown tighter over the years. It was almost cemented into my consciousness. I knew I was feeling love for the first time, but for some reason, that never canceled out how good lust felt. One day, she texted me and said, "Juwan, never speak to me again." She got messages from another girl about some conversations I was having on the side. It was me just scratching that itch, or as I said in album one, Funkentolgy, "Just a little off the top." This is what love feels like. I'm clear on it now because when she took that from me, I resorted to my old way of dealing with trauma.

A quick side note: we, as men, do insane things, but the moment a girl does the same, we label her a whore, a bitch, nasty, etc. This perspective quickly came into focus. We ended up reconciling and seemed to be on a good page. That is until I got a similar message like what she had gotten. I hate to be airing out my relationship on a public forum, but my life has always been a canvas. God gave me words and music to paint a picture for people to listen. Ultimately, I hope you find peace in these words, understanding, and perspective.

Anyway, to make a long story short, as my pastor used to say, "the chickens came home to roost." For some reason, through the anger and pain, the one thing that grew stronger was my appetite to revisit my old friend, the one who was there since my first taste of pain and trauma. Surely, this is the perfect time to visit with the old girl.

Then I thought, I've never had the inability to work through adversity. I also believe that people make bad mistakes and should have a chance to fix them. I found myself talking out loud, "You should understand that BLK ODYSSY is a thing now, and it was not when we started seeing each other." Around this time, my brother and sister-in-law had my niece. She felt like a reincarnation of my brother. She was so healing to me and Jordan. My ex and I would quite often talk about having kids. Before the adversity struck, we'd talked about it often.

Now, BLK ODYSSY is up and running. My brother has a baby girl, and we are motivated to grind harder than ever. Also, for the first time, I all of a sudden have access to all these new women whom I did not have before. I ended my relationship, feeling like I could finally scratch that itch, get it all out, and then reconcile when it was out of my system. I went on my first headlining tour, and needless to say, it was a bit much. I had already felt what love felt like. This didn't feel great. Well, it felt good, but it also didn't, which is a very odd combination. I hadn't spoken to my ex for a month now, or maybe two. Now I find myself rolling over to someone random. They had no idea who I was other than what my music told them, and I only knew what met the eye. Some of my lowest moments were in those moments when I knew I wasn't going to talk to them again. Some dudes never consciously think about what that can do to them. The women's body is so much more vulnerable than ours. They need to open themselves to let us in. These thoughts would eat at me. I rarely felt good about myself and felt even worse when I kept going.

Then I got a message one morning with a positive pregnancy test from my ex. I'm overly transparent with my fans. I want those who read this to have a new perspective, especially my male fans. I rolled over next to a random girl and saw this text from my ex. Immediately I panicked, and I asked the random girl to leave! Then my brother, who is my tour manager, came into my room. Long story short, 48 hours later, the possibility of that child no longer existed. I couldn't possibly be a father in the midst of my current state of mind. That was my logic. I didn't know that this would sink us both into a massive depression. Her more so than me, but being attached for so long, I felt it all. I'm afraid that some scars and things can't be undone. Maybe time can undo them. For the first time in my life, I regretted trading love for lust. The part that hurt the most was that I was only given a short window of time to make such a lifelong choice. I tried to put all the things she did wrong in my mind to justify my vote. Realistically, I didn't care. I see that now. My choices were based on preserving that ability to scratch that itch.

A year and change later, I've personified my journey with addiction into a four-chapter album that I made for all of you. I'm no one to judge. My father never really told me what to do. He would always pose a question, knowing that I was raised to do the right thing and raised on morals and empathy like many of you are. So, I'll ask a question that is frequently asked in the record: This is what love feels like, and this is what lust feels like. Now tell me... which do you like more?